Banks? You Mean Comedians?

Banks usually make us cry. Sometimes, that rare sometimes, you have to ROFL. The situation is simply too stupid for words.

Remember that time one of them asked a deceased to make a banking transaction?

What about the easy sms. (This is another bank, by the way.) They remember to harass the customer with sms's reminding of an outstanding amount, yet do absolutely nothing to acknowledge pay-in, never mind a 'thank you'.....till the next statement. But, of course.

Then there is the calculation of interest.
I remember when I started working, Old Uncle had this to say about interest:
The nice lady [Old Uncle had a way with women] at the bank showed me how they work out interest. What a fantastic way of making money. You know, the interest they give you for your savings is not the same as the interest on your loan. [Yes Uncle, I know that much]. No, No, you don't understand. For your loan, they charge you one week interest, seven day's. For your savings, they give you one week also, five days. Shock - ah!

Or this conversation (or roughly something like it) from another bank:
[Payroll occurs monthly, obviously, at this branch]
Customer: We are confirming Payroll will be by cheques this month.
Bank: O.k., we will have to charge you.
C: Excuse me?
B: We will have to charge you RM5.00 a cheque.
C: Haven't we paid for the chequebook already.
B: Yes, but for Payroll we have to charge you RM5.00 a cheque.
C: Why?
B:.....(silent)......is policy when Staff bank in their Payroll cheque.
C: But their individual accounts and our Payroll account is with your branch.
B: Yes. Still have to charge you RM5.00 a cheque.
C: You are saying that we will be billed this amount per cheque when our staff bank-in their pay into their own account which is actually at your branch?
B: Yes.
C: What happens when they take their pay cheque, go to another branch and bank it into their account?
B: Then we don't charge.
C: What happens when you don't know it's a Payroll cheque?
B: If we don't know it is a Payroll cheque then we don't charge lah.

Excuse me while I cry laughing.

Jacket Blurb

Just started on a 'new' author (meaning he's not one of my regulars) and he has already got my attention. No mean feat. Note the jacket blurb:

"Jane Fleming, forty-six and three years a grandmother, has always played by the rules, never hurt anybody, never lied, never even had a parking ticket. But she's about to put all that right in a very big way...."

followed by

"Intrigue. Espionage. Advanced technology. Clinical violence. Hoovering."

And the jacket belongs to:
ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES AN EYE
by
Christopher Brookmyre

Book review? What book review? It's a Jacket Blurb, Bud.

Celebrating Goodness

Welcome home Eli W!!

Bravo Susan Boyle!!

MOSTLY ONE-LINERS......(2)

3.
No man can serve two masters, unless they are his wife and his mother-in-law.
4.
"Comedy is tragedy interrupted."-Alan Ayckbourn
Save Comedy, don't use Viagra.

Kettle

Said little Miss L, all of four and half years,
Why did Polly put the kettle on?
To have tea?
No, she replied. Why did Polly put the kettle on?
Polly put the kettle on because she had nothing else to wear.

The Crossed Bun

Said one Bun to another, "I wish people would stop asking why we're crossed."
Said the other "Do they?".
"Well, yes. You'd be bleeding cross too with this heavy on your back" said the first one.
"Funny. I don't feel the weight at all. Must be self-raising flour."
" Bud, it isn't any flour. I'm carrying you and your cross."

oink...oink....oink......

I'm a happy porker!
Found this place which does REAL bacon. Started with a carrot juice with main order of a BLT. Very pleased with both. Carrot juice was all juice. Toasted BLT came hot with two slices of back bacon. Next time I think I'll ask for streaky. Chased that down with a cappucino and apple crumble. The latter two were disappointing. Coffee was watery, but hot ( a plus point) and the dessert was too sweet for my liking. The crumble filling looked like it was made from strands of apple. May have come from the proverbial tin of something. Service was knowledgeable, friendly and fast. (So remember to order the coffee later.) Menu looked fairly extensive with its largely meat selection. Another point in their favour is they open early, 7.30am.

Setting felt very beach-front with the blue/white striped walls, al fresco (do excuse the construction din) and indoor seating. I thought the "Mr & Mrs Frog" doors (for His and Hers) and "frog" bathroom fitments rather cute. Would love to see a picture of a bovine front at the entrance to the loos (dry and clean) to match the picture of the rear of the animal on the other side of the door. Reason enough for a second visit....

Fogal Meat Market
N-1-4 Plaza Damas
tel.3201 3206

NOT THE NINE O'CLOCK NURSERY RHYMES

(sung to the tune of 'O When The Saints Go Marching In'
or any other ditty you feel comfortable with)


Oh woolly sheep
are wonderful,
Oh woolly sheep are wonderful.
They are white and plump and fluffy,
Oh woolly sheep are wonderful.

Now Mary had
a little lamb,
It was quite cute and white and cuddly,
They spent a day
out in London,
And now the lamb's all black and sooty.

Then there was Mac,
He had a farm,
And on this farm
He had nightmares!
He could not sleep
For he kept hearing,
E - I - E - I- E- I - O!!

Oh Hic-ko-ry
And Dic-ko-ry,
Two mice which wound up Grandpa's clock.
The clock struck one
and grazed the other,
The clock now joins the digital flock.

Then there are stars,
The FAMOUS stars,
All dotted round the con-stel-lations,
There's Orion with Ursa Minor,
But who in space is Twinkle Little?

We're back to sheep,
Those woolly sheep,
Oh woolly sheep are wonderful
They taste nice when they're roasted,
Oh woolly sheep are wonderful.


(with apologies to Punch and all other assorted parties)

MOSTLY ONE LINERS......(1)

2.
The bare went over the mountain to see what he could see. Warnbro Beach.
1.
I had 3.142 for lunch.

"I KNOW IT'S PERFECT!!" (3.2)

"GEORGE! GEORGE!
I'VE GOT THE JUST THE THING FOR AUNTIE B.
I KNOW IT'S ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!"

Alright. Alright. Calm down. Don't shout. I can hear you.
"O.k. But it is simply perfect. It's really expensive and it will be perfect for her."
Oh, yes? How do you know it's really right for her.
"I just know."
Have you ever seen Auntie B. use one of those things?
"No."
Have you ever seen Auntie B. in that er.... colour?
"No."
Did you ask your uncle or any of the cousins about Auntie B.'s tastes in items like that?
"No."
Has SHE or some one else told you that, out of the blue, she has taken a shine to something like that?
"No, but it does shine in the dark. Cool, huh?!"
O.k. minnow, let's get this straight. You have never seen Auntie B. in one of those things or in that colour or spoken with anyone about it or about Auntie B.'s possible reception of said item, right?
"Yes."
And you still think it's the right gift for her?

"I know it's not the right gift, it's the PERFECT gift!"(*)


(*)Dear God, spare us. Reader, how do you think matriarchal, humourless Auntie B. would respond to the 'expensive' pair of luminous lime yellow-glow-in-the-dark-striped bloomers? Answers on a pygmy postage stamp please.